Hopefully Now I'm Found

Trying to find a title for this post is causing me grief. I don't even know where to begin, so I will just begin with... I feel lost. I haven't written in ages, we have gone through a huge journey. We won our greatest battle, it only took a little more than six years. Paul is a resident, we got everything we prayed so hard for. God literally carried me all the way through those six years; providing me with the perfect coworkers, family, church friends, non-church friends, old friends. God put so many people in our path, like stepping stones that get you from the driveway to the bottom of the steps leading into your house. My goal was to get to the bottom step. And, I was so enthralled with everything going on in the battle that I didn't even see the size of the staircase I had to climb. I don't think anyone knows what the top of the staircase looks like. What it means to finally reach...what? Perfection, the end, the "finally we can breathe", happily ever after. Forgive me for sounding so negative, I am just trying to find some ground to stand on so that I may actually begin to write what all is on my mind. I believe that the top of the staircase comes when we conquer Satan once and for all and get to be with our Heavenly Father for all of eternity. I just didn't realize until late how difficult that is. Not that it is difficult for God to love me, or forgive me, that was all done with Jesus on the Cross. But, how difficult it is for me to accept that love, forgiveness, mercy, grace because I know that I am not worthy. I am a big fat sinner and I have a tendency to let Satan get the best of me. I am going to be very frank here. Honesty is all I have ever been. If I have ever lied it has been by omission, I am the world's worst liar, actually. I always wished that I could be the quiet, shy girl. Mysterious and full of secrets. I'm not. Actually, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut, and even when I try my face tells everything that I am thinking and feeling. I am about as transparent as the glasses on my face. I suffer from anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. I take medication daily, and it is great when I do. I am able to think straight, work hard, and get through life without everything being so magnified and dramatic. It does take away a lot of things, however. It is very hard for me to write, and I love to write. I can't draw anymore, my creativity is completely shut off. It affects intimacy to a certain degree. But, I choose to take my medication over all of these things, because it makes me balanced and I can actually breathe when I am medicated. Without my daily dose, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest, I cry over everything, and well the OCD part of it is ridiculous. So, how am I writing tonight? Well I forgot to take the stupid pill yesterday and then again this morning. I took it as soon as we got back home this evening. And, everything is okay, no depression. But my brain is working overtime, Satan is trying to win a battle because he knows I am vulnerable. I won't let him gain control though. I will write instead and show him who is boss. The step that I am stuck on now is a very difficult one. I wish I could draw it for you because it isn't just a marble step with perfect dimensions that I just have to step off of. Actually, I kind of feel like Alice and I have eaten a delicious truffle with a little note that said, "eat me". And now I have shrunk and I am standing on the very first step that happens to be made of wood. And, I am so tiny that I actually have to climb over each little splinter that fabricates that slab of wood making the first step. You see, I am stuck at a point in my life where nothing of my past matters. Ok, some of it does. But it is all irrelevant because it is all gone. I for one am not the same. My parents aren't the same, my sister isn't the same, my precious brother is still kind of the same, but not really. I don't have a "home" to go to anymore, to take my children and show them where I grew up. Someone else is living there now. I have disappeared to those that I once called friends. I can't even see their names, or their lives. I can't see pictures of home without a deep depression welling up inside. And, to some this may sound so trivial and so vain. So selfish and stupid. But I am completely lost. I had everything. I had so much that it made me rotten. Seriously. First, how do I forgive myself? I was a terrible teenager. I was selfish, I was rude, I was boastful, I was promiscuous, I was mean, I was fake, I was a follower, I was a loser. I had no faith, I was a liar and a fraud. I am embarrassed and ashamed when I look back on that time. I could have been so different, but I let so many things control my way of thinking. I was, in simple terms, a brat. And, what is even worse is I had amazing parents. Who did the best that they could to instill good morals and values in their three children. They tried to give us all that they didn't have, yet teach us at the same time to be good, honest, hard working people. They loved us in such an amazing way. And, I turned on them. They could control so much, but they couldn't control the decisions that I made, they friends I chose, the idiots I dated. They were strict, and I was sneaky. I always get stuck in this rut. I always look back and dwell on my regrets. But, now it isn't the pity party, sob-fest for Jessie. Now it is whose life did I influence? Who did I hurt? Do I really think that much of myself that I think that I was that influential on someone else's life? You are dang right I do. No, I don't think I was popular or even a leader; I wasn't someone many people looked up too or ever followed, but I was poisonous. I was venomous, and I am sure that I share that with at least of couple of people that didn't deserve it. I know of four friends for certain, they were all Christ followers and I brought so much poison into the circle. If it weren't for those friends I would have never known Jesus personally. They were the water and the sun to a seed that my parents planted when I was a small child. These friends gave me just what I needed in order for that sapling to survive through a six year drought. And, I see that two of these friends have moved along just fine, but the other two seem to struggle. So, what do I do? I pray. I ask for forgiveness, from God. Do I ask them for forgiveness? Or am I a big ol chicken? Next, how do I forgive "her"? "Her"? Who is "her"? "Her" is the person who snatched everything out from under my family. It seemed to happen in a weeks time, but come to find out "her" was working on things for quite some time. "Her" schemed and planned everything over a good ten month period, if not longer. "Her" deceived the one family who loved "her" and the family she conceived during "her" time with us. You see "her" wasn't just part of my Dad's payroll. No one was every just an employee. Everyone was family, even if they left, found something that paid better, retired. It didn't matter, if you worked at the office you were family. "Her" became family, too. And now, I forgive "her" every single day. Every time I talk to my sister, I forgive "her". Every time I talk to my parents, I forgive "her". The Outer Banks comes up on facebook, or on the news, the weather channel; I forgive "her". "Her" consumes me right now because if I don't tell myself everyday to forgive, then I will hate. And, hate is Satan winning. I recently read an amazing book, "The Devil in Pew Number 7". I am so very grateful that I did not lose my parents in my situation. The book made me see that it could be much worse. I did however learn a great deal about forgiveness. A choice that I have to make, every single day, until it because second nature to me. It is just so much easier to forgive the guy who cut me off in traffic, or the rude customer who cussed me out because he did have the proper ID, and therefore I couldn't give my teller permission to cash her check. These things I blow off everyday. But, when someone takes advantage of the people you love most. When someone takes everything just like that, and looks at you when you have hard evidence right there and says "is that all you have?", when they know that there is so much more in the tangled mess they so carefully created. When it causes my father to suffer from major weight loss, premature aging, debilitating depression, a heart attack....When it is slowly killing him, the strongest man I ever knew. The man with all the answers, the man that could fix any problem, the man that never let anyone tell him he couldn't do anything. How in God's name do I forgive "her"? How do I not loathe "her"? Last, how do I keep these things from seeping into my precious family? My sweet boys, amazing husband. How do I keep them safe from the sin that Satan so badly wants me to commit? We have found an amazing church here in Miami. Similar to Mecklenburg Community Church. No one will ever be as awesome as our pastor from Meck, but CF is pretty dang awesome. We had our first small group today, Parenting. It was like a much needed therapy session. No I didn't share anything, I didn't get to enjoy the comfort of one of those soft couches, and I didn't even need a box of tissue. Questions were asked, and thoughts provoked. You see we were listening to the first installment of Parental Guidance Required. How do we be the parents that God intended us to be? And, it really threw me for a loop. I mean, WOW! I am a product of my wonderful mother. I crave control and I am proud to say that as of right now I have two very good little boys. Whether it be my learned skills of controlling their small world, as chaotic as it has been or if God has just blessed me with unbelievable good kids, I am not sure. All I do know is, I have a lot of learning to do. Control didn't work with me after about age 16. I found my way around it. And, kids will be kids; the kids of this next generation sure to be much smarter and more deceiving than I ever thought to be. Scary. I am seeing now after typing all of this out that there is hope. I have to learn to let go of the things I obsess over and learn to walk forward toward the light. I have to stop taking Satan's bait, ie. little chocolate's that say "eat me". Yes, the steps ahead of me will be challenging. Once we get off of this stair we will only be on a new one; with someone else to forgive, some other obstacle to hurdle. I just wish I could see what's coming next, so I can prepare. The phone rings and I am terrified of the news the other end may have. I am scared to death that God will take someone before they are ready, before they can see the truth. And, I guess I need to not just choose to forgive daily but also choose to surrender daily. I can't hold they weight of these burdens on my own, I can't even ponder the thought of their weight without crumbling. Does anyone ever has this feeling; first, the tremendous fear of death and then in the same instance a calm and reassurance that it will all be ok? I have that a lot, I know it is Satan trying and God knocking him down before that thought can become an obsession in my very fragile mind. That is kind of how this post has come out. Fear, fear, worry, fear, sob, sob, sob...and...reassurance. God has this. I just have to pray my way through this next journey. I have to constantly be moving forward, forgiving and surrendering. Surrendering and forgiving. I have to worry less and trust more. I have to love even when I really want to hate. I have to work so much harder at loving those that I hate than I do those that I love. Isn't that what Christ did? God have mercy on them for they know not what they do? Something like that. I need to read more of my Bible, I can't even put that in quotes because I think I may have botched it. Please pray for my family. We need it. Especially now. Pray for peace, understanding, spiritual growth, the ability to forgive, and the ability to surrender all things to God. I know there is so much more to pray for, but these are the top five. Thank you for all of your support and love, once again God has put you all here with purpose and I am forever grateful.