We were startled awake to the sound of Zeke throwing up at 4:30 am. I think he may have eaten too much on our happy Saturday. He had an array of different foods, plus a good amount of watermelon seeds. So, needless to say we were up for the morning, all three of us and didn't get to take a nap until about 7:30. At 11:30 we woke. I was feeling more than depressed. I don't know if I can articulate the feeling that had taken over. I felt like a child, like I was 12 years old, and I didn't have the ability to make any decisions. Like I was married and pregnant at the age of 12 and I was sad. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to move. I wanted to feel like an adult, but I felt trapped.
I couldn't tell you what day I got out of the hospital. I couldn't tell you what the day or date is. I know it is a day in September and the year is 2010. These walls have been closing in on me and I am losing my mind. I don't sleep well at night, with the baby partying and my sweet husbands light snore it is very difficult. Plus, I am not tired. I am in bed all day, and I find myself asleep at random times throughout. I just want things to be back to normal. Paul tried to get me to talk to him and all I could do was stare and tell him that it wasn't a good idea, I needed to be alone. He hadn't done anything wrong, hell he is doing everything more than right. Poor thing is cleaning, cooking, running after Zeke, checking on me constantly and trying to maintain his business all at the same time.
Finally, I snapped. "Get me out of this house. Now." I couldn't stand it anymore. The walls, they were coming down on me. I started crying. "Paul please, just take me out for a ride in the car. I need to get out of this house and see something, anything." Of course, he would move the Cotopaxi if I asked him too. He told me to give him a minute to think about where to go, so I got in the shower. And, I cried some more. I felt like I had cabin fever or something. I don't even know how many days I have been home from the hospital, it can't be too many.
So, he got me out of this bed, out of this house. Zeke was excited to have me go out the front door with them for once. He had on his sunglasses and was looking really cool. We went riding through the neighborhood first. Then he took me to get a brownie at the Hyper Market. We drove some more, but Paul made sure to go slow. He was worried about hitting bumps. I had the window down, and with every few miles I felt the life come back into me. Paul took me to Quito to do some site seeing, from the car window of course. And, I was finally coming back. Like a black and white photo that is slowly painted in. I was becoming brilliant, in living color. We were gone all afternoon and into the evening. And, when it was time to come back, I was OK. I was ready and not wanting to protest. I was inflated again and ready to return.
I am so thankful. My husband worried the entire time, but in the end it was worth it. I think he could see the difference in the girl he took out of the house and the woman he brought back home. I was refreshed and full of energy again. I was also exhausted, and from what? A car ride? Yes. It drained me, completely. Getting up to my room was a challenge, but I did it and I didn't say a word about being tired. I couldn't complain if I had to, I am so very appreciative that Paul took me out and helped me to find my sanity.
So, tomorrow I will be here again. All day in my bed. I will be on my iTouch, playing Lock 'n' roll, breeding fake fish, a little bit of Bejeweled 2, constant checks on Twitter and Facebook, and I think I can handle it. Tuesday I get to go to the doctor and then I will get another fresh-air fix! For now, I am going to bed. I should sleep very well tonight, and if I don't, well there is always tomorrow.
God please help me get through the next few weeks of bed rest. Give me mental strength and keep me busy. Help me to keep my sanity and help me to remember that You are in charge and that You are with me every second of everyday. Thank you Lord. In Your name and in the name of Your son Jesus Christ. Amen
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
In My Absence
Four months, that's right it has been four months since I have posted anything. I left here, home four months ago and abandoned my blog. I was a puking, skinny mess when I left. Zeke had even started mimicking my puking noises and thought that that was what the toilet was for. My mom came to save me, take care of me and Zeke and Paul because I was too sick to do anything. Pregnancy just isn't my thing, I can do the mom thing, I can handle the baby-toddler-kid part, I just can't do pregnancy.
So I went home. To Babylon. Yes that's right. If you have done the Beth Moore study of Daniel you will totally understand. I went to be comfortable, eat great food, get fat. I do say I needed it, but while I was home Babylon swallowed my family whole.
I was invited by the church at home to join and study with a group of wonderful women. I was so excited I couldn't stand it, I needed a group of women at home! I am always terrified to go home because of my "fun" past and what others may have heard or think about me. I hate going out in public and seeing people there because they have an idea about me that I don't want people to have. I am a changed woman, yet when put back in my hometown the change seems minimal. So, a group of Godly women to have beside me, to walk with me in my own hometown was something that I was thirsty for. Not to mention, my best friend of over 20 yrs was doing it with me. What more could I ask for. I must insert here that I didn't get the chance to finish the study with the women or Beth Moore. Babylon started attacking my family, and I had to put on my armor and go out on the battle field for them.
I prayed that my family would understand that money and materials would not sustain them, that they would be shown that God was the only way. That was my first prayer when I started the study of Daniel. However, I didn't know that God was listening so intently or that things would progress so rapidly.
My dad has had his business for over 32 years. He has always acclaimed to be the "best damn attorney in the world"! And, he still is. He is also too loving, too caring and too trusting. Is that possible? Well yes it is. He has always taken care of his secretaries, they have always had what they needed, if there was trouble or a problem John the Hammer Mauney was there to fix it for them, even if that meant that he went without. Mom and Dad loved their office staff and would have done (and have done) anything for them. Too bad that was all taken advantage of.
Dad had to make some changes to staff letting some ladies go due to the hard economic times, but kept his two "daughters" because he knew that as much as he needed them, they were needing him too. They both have family's young children and husbands that have been effected by the recent economic crisis, as well. And, their kids were like grandchildren. Mom and Dad are Nanny Bit and Papa John to all four of them.
One was his source of laughter, bringing him up, keeping things and clients in check. She dealt with criminals and she was good at it. She was his daily smile! And, she is so close to our family, I was there for the birth of both of her children, held her puke kidney, I call her when I need to talk, share everything with her! I have known her since I was 17 and have always looked up to her. She decided to leave in the beginning of the summer because she knew that times were tough and that he couldn't afford to keep her as she needed to be making more to keep up with her families needs. We couldn't really get rid of her though, she joined us at the pool every weekend and set up play dates for her kids and Zeke. She was still a constant. This is where I came in and started working for Dad. I could only make so much money due to my government assistance. And, I knew the office and how it worked better than anyone else. There wouldn't need to be much training, just getting to know prices and who to talk to at the courthouse for criminal questions.
The other was Dad's buddy. They had a great friendship. They understood one another on a different level. Dad was sensitive with her because she had a rough childhood, her family wasn't around, she had some facial scaring that she was very self conscious about and Dad got it. He helped her in every way that he could. They stayed in touch all the time via text messaging, sharing jokes or picking with one another. Dad was her Dad essentially, she didn't have that and it was just what she needed. She took on the burden of doing almost everything in the office and she was rewarded her for doing so.
Dad felt great. He had five kids, not three. He was able to be there for two more people, two people who looked up to him and trusted him. Two people who he could definitely trust. So, what the hell happened.
Well The latter of the two, gained his trust. He trusted her blindly. And, she robbed him blind. That's right. The State Bar calls and freezes his Trust accounts due to a bounced check. Actually, due to 5 bounced checks that he has been "notified" about, yet he has no idea. Why? She sabotaged his computer, saying that it had a virus and she couldn't fix it. She intercepted all of his emails, all of his mail and refrained from telling him that here was a problem. Why would she do that? Because she was moving money around and taking it. She didn't want him to worry, if he worried then Big Martha would come in and behind her would be Mean Kaye and they would discover what she was doing. This is exactly what happened when the Bar froze everything. And, we couldn't figure out what was wrong. The first questions the Bar asked, "Could the bookkeeper be doing something fraudulent?" Dad's answer, "Absolutely not! She is like a daughter to me and that is not what is going on, it must be a simple mistake!" Sorry Dad. After Big Martha and Mean Kaye started reconciling and going through the accounts they found discrepancy after discrepancy. She was taking money little by little, and moving things and making the biggest mess possible to hide it all. So, the police are now involved, she is fired. And, we are left to try and clean up a mess that is absolutely impossible to clean up. She deleted programs before she left, she took files, she sabotaged everything to try and save her some time. That is all it can do because she will be discovered.
So, now what do we do. Dad freaks out, he doesn't want to hurt her family, doesn't want her children to suffer. It isn't their fault. He gets sick with the flu and pneumonia, the stress literally eats him alive. Big Martha, Mean Kaye, Lucy and the twins, and myself go into action to start fixing stuff. The other secretary who had recently quit comes back to help, along with two other secretaries. All for free. There is no money. And, we work to try and get the Bar the things they need for the audit they are performing. We have to get things that are nearly impossible after the destruction of some of the programs. We have to filter all open files to other attorneys and turn down all business. We were closing up shop, this was it. This law office is all we know. I have worked for my dad for as long as I can remember, seriously. This is all that I know for my family and one person has single handedly ripped it away. We cried, all of us, at some point each day we were there. And, we would lay awake at night, not able to sleep, trying to figure out what we were going to do. We got things together for the audit on time, not everything, but as much as we could. And, the police and the Bar tell us that this investigation could take up to a year. A year? Seriously? How is Dad supposed to work? How do bills get paid? The only thing to do is to leave, go find jobs and start over, after 32 years.
We worked and stressed until we couldn't do it anymore. I had to make a decision as to what to do for Zeke and myself. We couldn't keep living with Nanny Bit and Papa John. They need their time and space to think and reorganize, to find a new place to live so that they can work to survive. I needed to come home. Thank God my husband was missing us just enough that he was begging us to join him and make things work here in Ecuador.
So, I came back. Zeke and I came home. Of course, the trip was stressful and the change in altitude hard. We made it though. I am now able to breath and get through my day without the stress of Babylon. The things that I thought I could get from the US, I can get right here. I have a wonderful doctor, I have great hospitals, and I have my family. Babylon offered me stress, and fear and good food. Every time I lay here with my husband and he can feel the baby kicking, I smile and then get scared all at once. What if I wake up? What if this is a dream? But, it isn't. This is real, and Zeke gets to go "bye bye" with Daddy and I get to enjoy having my husband around to help out and to watch me as I get fatter (if that is even possible). I am now on bed rest, with the fear of having a premature baby, but I am doing it and I am enjoying the fact that my husband is the one with me, taking care of me.
Mom and Dad are figuring things out, or God is figuring it out for them. Things are coming up here and there, opportunities of a lifetime that would have never come about otherwise. And, I can relax knowing that Zeke and I are not in their way, that we are where we should be and that Mom and Dad have their space. No stress, no screaming two year old, no bed ridden daughter. I feel like this would have happened regardless due to the stress and then they would have had more to deal with.
Now, I pray. I pray that Babylon doesn't eat them, but that they learn to escape the pretty sparkly deceptions that Babylon portrays. That God takes my parents on a journey that they will learn from. And, that God will stand up beside them and walk them down the road to the place that He wants them to be. I pray that I will be able to forgive the selfish young girl that took everything away, and that her family won't have to suffer, but that she will learn a lesson.
I have to thank the Summer Sisters for being the rock that I needed when Babylon took over. I have to thank them for inviting me in and helping me to learn enough about Babylon to see just what destruction would look like when it came time. And, for being so loving and supportive. They shared with me more than I expected and I learned so much from each and every woman I had the opportunity to meet.
I also must thank my parents. They are always there when I need them. When I need to come home, to get better, or to just get a little taste of the US they are so supportive. Dad has always been the strength of our family, he has always made things work and has always provided for us one way or another. He has always loved us, he always hugged us and made sure we knew we were loved. Mom, has always been there to make sure things are in order and working properly. She has been the one that fought for each of us, whether in school with teachers, or with friends. She always took our side and was there standing firm. We are so lucky to have them, we are so fortunate that they raised us right and taught us what it is to be honest and trustworthy. I couldn't have done half of the things I have done in my life if it hadn't been for them and for that I am grateful.
I have written a book here and I apologize. I just needed to get this all out, and to be able to clear my mind of the thing that has been causing so much pain since August 19th. Now that I am free of this, I will move on and concentrate on my family and my unborn child. I will rest easy and know that this is going to be a beautiful experience and that God his with me, holding me every step of the way.
"On Christ the solid rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand." Posted on Twitter by MckMama
So I went home. To Babylon. Yes that's right. If you have done the Beth Moore study of Daniel you will totally understand. I went to be comfortable, eat great food, get fat. I do say I needed it, but while I was home Babylon swallowed my family whole.
I was invited by the church at home to join and study with a group of wonderful women. I was so excited I couldn't stand it, I needed a group of women at home! I am always terrified to go home because of my "fun" past and what others may have heard or think about me. I hate going out in public and seeing people there because they have an idea about me that I don't want people to have. I am a changed woman, yet when put back in my hometown the change seems minimal. So, a group of Godly women to have beside me, to walk with me in my own hometown was something that I was thirsty for. Not to mention, my best friend of over 20 yrs was doing it with me. What more could I ask for. I must insert here that I didn't get the chance to finish the study with the women or Beth Moore. Babylon started attacking my family, and I had to put on my armor and go out on the battle field for them.
I prayed that my family would understand that money and materials would not sustain them, that they would be shown that God was the only way. That was my first prayer when I started the study of Daniel. However, I didn't know that God was listening so intently or that things would progress so rapidly.
My dad has had his business for over 32 years. He has always acclaimed to be the "best damn attorney in the world"! And, he still is. He is also too loving, too caring and too trusting. Is that possible? Well yes it is. He has always taken care of his secretaries, they have always had what they needed, if there was trouble or a problem John the Hammer Mauney was there to fix it for them, even if that meant that he went without. Mom and Dad loved their office staff and would have done (and have done) anything for them. Too bad that was all taken advantage of.
Dad had to make some changes to staff letting some ladies go due to the hard economic times, but kept his two "daughters" because he knew that as much as he needed them, they were needing him too. They both have family's young children and husbands that have been effected by the recent economic crisis, as well. And, their kids were like grandchildren. Mom and Dad are Nanny Bit and Papa John to all four of them.
One was his source of laughter, bringing him up, keeping things and clients in check. She dealt with criminals and she was good at it. She was his daily smile! And, she is so close to our family, I was there for the birth of both of her children, held her puke kidney, I call her when I need to talk, share everything with her! I have known her since I was 17 and have always looked up to her. She decided to leave in the beginning of the summer because she knew that times were tough and that he couldn't afford to keep her as she needed to be making more to keep up with her families needs. We couldn't really get rid of her though, she joined us at the pool every weekend and set up play dates for her kids and Zeke. She was still a constant. This is where I came in and started working for Dad. I could only make so much money due to my government assistance. And, I knew the office and how it worked better than anyone else. There wouldn't need to be much training, just getting to know prices and who to talk to at the courthouse for criminal questions.
The other was Dad's buddy. They had a great friendship. They understood one another on a different level. Dad was sensitive with her because she had a rough childhood, her family wasn't around, she had some facial scaring that she was very self conscious about and Dad got it. He helped her in every way that he could. They stayed in touch all the time via text messaging, sharing jokes or picking with one another. Dad was her Dad essentially, she didn't have that and it was just what she needed. She took on the burden of doing almost everything in the office and she was rewarded her for doing so.
Dad felt great. He had five kids, not three. He was able to be there for two more people, two people who looked up to him and trusted him. Two people who he could definitely trust. So, what the hell happened.
Well The latter of the two, gained his trust. He trusted her blindly. And, she robbed him blind. That's right. The State Bar calls and freezes his Trust accounts due to a bounced check. Actually, due to 5 bounced checks that he has been "notified" about, yet he has no idea. Why? She sabotaged his computer, saying that it had a virus and she couldn't fix it. She intercepted all of his emails, all of his mail and refrained from telling him that here was a problem. Why would she do that? Because she was moving money around and taking it. She didn't want him to worry, if he worried then Big Martha would come in and behind her would be Mean Kaye and they would discover what she was doing. This is exactly what happened when the Bar froze everything. And, we couldn't figure out what was wrong. The first questions the Bar asked, "Could the bookkeeper be doing something fraudulent?" Dad's answer, "Absolutely not! She is like a daughter to me and that is not what is going on, it must be a simple mistake!" Sorry Dad. After Big Martha and Mean Kaye started reconciling and going through the accounts they found discrepancy after discrepancy. She was taking money little by little, and moving things and making the biggest mess possible to hide it all. So, the police are now involved, she is fired. And, we are left to try and clean up a mess that is absolutely impossible to clean up. She deleted programs before she left, she took files, she sabotaged everything to try and save her some time. That is all it can do because she will be discovered.
So, now what do we do. Dad freaks out, he doesn't want to hurt her family, doesn't want her children to suffer. It isn't their fault. He gets sick with the flu and pneumonia, the stress literally eats him alive. Big Martha, Mean Kaye, Lucy and the twins, and myself go into action to start fixing stuff. The other secretary who had recently quit comes back to help, along with two other secretaries. All for free. There is no money. And, we work to try and get the Bar the things they need for the audit they are performing. We have to get things that are nearly impossible after the destruction of some of the programs. We have to filter all open files to other attorneys and turn down all business. We were closing up shop, this was it. This law office is all we know. I have worked for my dad for as long as I can remember, seriously. This is all that I know for my family and one person has single handedly ripped it away. We cried, all of us, at some point each day we were there. And, we would lay awake at night, not able to sleep, trying to figure out what we were going to do. We got things together for the audit on time, not everything, but as much as we could. And, the police and the Bar tell us that this investigation could take up to a year. A year? Seriously? How is Dad supposed to work? How do bills get paid? The only thing to do is to leave, go find jobs and start over, after 32 years.
We worked and stressed until we couldn't do it anymore. I had to make a decision as to what to do for Zeke and myself. We couldn't keep living with Nanny Bit and Papa John. They need their time and space to think and reorganize, to find a new place to live so that they can work to survive. I needed to come home. Thank God my husband was missing us just enough that he was begging us to join him and make things work here in Ecuador.
So, I came back. Zeke and I came home. Of course, the trip was stressful and the change in altitude hard. We made it though. I am now able to breath and get through my day without the stress of Babylon. The things that I thought I could get from the US, I can get right here. I have a wonderful doctor, I have great hospitals, and I have my family. Babylon offered me stress, and fear and good food. Every time I lay here with my husband and he can feel the baby kicking, I smile and then get scared all at once. What if I wake up? What if this is a dream? But, it isn't. This is real, and Zeke gets to go "bye bye" with Daddy and I get to enjoy having my husband around to help out and to watch me as I get fatter (if that is even possible). I am now on bed rest, with the fear of having a premature baby, but I am doing it and I am enjoying the fact that my husband is the one with me, taking care of me.
Mom and Dad are figuring things out, or God is figuring it out for them. Things are coming up here and there, opportunities of a lifetime that would have never come about otherwise. And, I can relax knowing that Zeke and I are not in their way, that we are where we should be and that Mom and Dad have their space. No stress, no screaming two year old, no bed ridden daughter. I feel like this would have happened regardless due to the stress and then they would have had more to deal with.
Now, I pray. I pray that Babylon doesn't eat them, but that they learn to escape the pretty sparkly deceptions that Babylon portrays. That God takes my parents on a journey that they will learn from. And, that God will stand up beside them and walk them down the road to the place that He wants them to be. I pray that I will be able to forgive the selfish young girl that took everything away, and that her family won't have to suffer, but that she will learn a lesson.
I have to thank the Summer Sisters for being the rock that I needed when Babylon took over. I have to thank them for inviting me in and helping me to learn enough about Babylon to see just what destruction would look like when it came time. And, for being so loving and supportive. They shared with me more than I expected and I learned so much from each and every woman I had the opportunity to meet.
I also must thank my parents. They are always there when I need them. When I need to come home, to get better, or to just get a little taste of the US they are so supportive. Dad has always been the strength of our family, he has always made things work and has always provided for us one way or another. He has always loved us, he always hugged us and made sure we knew we were loved. Mom, has always been there to make sure things are in order and working properly. She has been the one that fought for each of us, whether in school with teachers, or with friends. She always took our side and was there standing firm. We are so lucky to have them, we are so fortunate that they raised us right and taught us what it is to be honest and trustworthy. I couldn't have done half of the things I have done in my life if it hadn't been for them and for that I am grateful.
I have written a book here and I apologize. I just needed to get this all out, and to be able to clear my mind of the thing that has been causing so much pain since August 19th. Now that I am free of this, I will move on and concentrate on my family and my unborn child. I will rest easy and know that this is going to be a beautiful experience and that God his with me, holding me every step of the way.
"On Christ the solid rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand." Posted on Twitter by MckMama
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)